although I am writing this in advance, I am pretty sure that as this post goes into the blogosphere, I'll be feeling much as I anticipate: tired. Emotional. Scared. A little over it all.
As you read this, I'm in hospital after having major surgery. I hate being in hospital and I hate being unwell.
Many people tell me when they meet me and hear my story that I am brave. I always find it ironic, because I never feel brave. This is my fourth encounter with cancer in 21 years and I've survived this long by doing what I had to do. I don't consider that especially brave; rather a nicer option than death. I'm not afraid to die, I just don't want to. Especially not yet!
The parallels with my artistic life are also not lost on me. After finishing my book (YAY!) and my trip to The Creative Connection, I should be spending these final months of 2011 preparing, plotting, planning. I am doing that, but in a slower way than I'd hoped. One of my motivations to recover is that I want to hit 2012 running. I want it to be MY year.
Happy. Healthy. Successful.
This, too, scares me. In a different way to cancer, of course, but it's a little intimidating knowing that with all the hard work of 2011, I go into 2012 needing and wanting to work harder than ever, but mindful that I need to do what is best for my whole life - health, family and friends must also be a priority. Balance is key. But I need to be brave.
With this in mind and with her kind permission, I wanted to share this blog post from my beautiful friend, Kelly Rae Roberts. This post is so beautifully written and says everything I feel about moving forward. I will use it as my inspiration going forward.
as i step into more of who i am and the possibilities of my life, i want to walk side by side with courage. i want to bravely acknowledge my own power, my unique capacity for leadership, for tenderness - and i want to do it without shying away, without reservation. we are so much stronger than we realize, you and me. i want to create my own story and let go of that small story i've been telling myself all of these years. as my art career continues to take off (flight), i want to stay grounded in what matters, wise in my choices, and bold in my inspiration. more than ever, i'm believing in what is unfolding, in the miracles of everyday living. in deciding upon dreams and then making them real, one small step at a time.
we are all meant for these journeys. of hope. of tenderness. of doing the things we never thought we could do. this is where our bravery lives. it's where the orbits of who we are and who we want to be collide. it's where we find ourselves standing strong, ready to claim what is ours.
we only have one life. just one. i want to make mine brave.