that kind of week...

...one I'd rather not go through again, either. It's not been a fun week but some big, difficult decisions were required and I made them. Some tears have been shed but I'm ready to step forward now into the big wide world, ready for whatever comes next.

I've been writing and re-writing applications for study next year - fifteen years after my first attempt (which failed dismally), I'm applying to study Law. When I was 20-ish I wasn't ready, either for the commitment, the workload or the magnitude of what I wanted to do. Much has changed in the intervening time, but the pull towards law has always remained and it wasn't until recently I really allowed myself to think I could do it. It was the encouragement of my Godmother that set me out investigating my options, and the more I read and consider it, the more it makes sense. I can work in art-based legal fields, with a genuine understanding of the needs of artists and creatives. That's the plan at this stage, but we'll see if I get in and where it all leads me.

I am feeling more and more like I want to retreat into my art. It's so hard to keep putting myself out there. Yes, I get a lot of love and support. But I get my share of hate mail too, people who expect me to defend what I do to them. This is art. It's my art and I don't want to have to defend what I do. People can call it whatever they want, label it however they like. I don't actually mind what people call it. But I do mind people personally attacking me simply for doing what I love. I don't care what pens or paper you use, I don't care what you call it. Truly. Just enjoy it. 

I want to enjoy my art. I want to remember what it's like to do something for fun. Not wonder what judgement might come from it. And I want that for other artists too - professional, amateur, whatever. Let's not get all elitist and judgemental on each other. What that all means for me going forward - this blog, future projects.... who knows?

Beyond that, be cool folks. 

Comments

[Sue murphy]

My first calling too, but never was brave enough. Maybe we should do it together, lol? My iPhone went swimming, can you pm or txt me your numbers/address pls, LB. xxx

[Genevieve]

I'm so sorry that people are being nasty about your art. You so don't deserve that. {hugs}
Law school, eh? That will be more than a full-time job in itself. Good luck!

[jakki garlans]

Kass - I tried to post a message after your last blog entry - but something went wrong with the internet!

I am sure you have had a rough time reaching your conclusions and perhaps you will try to second guess yourself in the future. However, if you have reached the point where you have been able to ask yourself the questions you've been asking, and have the discussions with yourself that have occupied your mind - then you are ready to move on.

You have given us, your blog followers, book readers and others you have touched with your art, so much - to have shared your private health battles with us to help others face similar fights is a great gift. For that we are most grateful. There are mean -spirited people out there, that's for sure, but I think you have "felt the love" from the vast majority of others who are grateful.

If your art no longer gives you solace and has become a chore, then you have to find a way for it to help YOU again. If you can share your skills by becoming a lawyer focussing on the issues artists face, then that to is yet another gift to those around you. Only you know what feels right - hey, there is no shame in changing your course - the mark you have made is powerful - now you choose to make another mark, another way...

The very best of luck in all your endeavours and here's hoping that you will still have time to share your artistic self with us with a free and light heart - I, for one, will be most happy to continue to share your journey via your blog.

Jakki

[kass]

Jakki, what a lovely and kind message. Thankyou so much. I don't know what the future holds yet but I guess the coming months will tell. I love creating art but I am grappling with the feeling I need to be more "useful" and "productive" and the ever looming issues of income.... we'll see I guess and I will keep blogging until there's no more to say, so don't leave me now!!

BB - you need to move back to the big smoke and come to uni with me. Means I'll get to see more of my little ladies too. Do it!

And Genevieve - my lovely friend... thankyou as ever xo

[Sue J]

I'll ditto what Jakki said. I have never understood the need for people to be nasty to others. I read something the other week about believing in yourself. Something along the lines of "never worry what others say because they don't know your story or have walked in your shoes". I guess that is something that I try to remind myself of when I sometimes begin to criticize others (only in my head).
Kass, your art is wonderful. You have no need to defend your art to others because it is a part of you and your story.
I wish you good luck with your studies. I have just begun uni myself and am finding it difficult to to juggle everything (as well as full time work) but I believe that you are a determined and committed lady so you should find no difficulty. Good luck with it all.

[Celia]

Hi. I just found you the other day.....and ran out and bought your book and I'm reading it now. I was a bit shocked to read that people actually send you ugly notes and say ugly things about your art. I know people can be mean but to criticize someone's art....something someone loves.....something that someone is so willing to share with others.....I just don't understand that. I do hope you continue with your blog.....and that you continue sharing your art. I will enjoy going through and reading your older posts. I wish you so much luck in your future....whatever you end up doing......and THANK YOU for sharing your BEAUTIFUL ART with the rest of us!!

[kass]

oh Celia, that is such a sweet, kind note! Thankyou so much xx

[Amy in TN]

Kass, I haven't checked in to your blog in a while--the back-to-school blitz had me pretty distracted--but reading about your decision to study Law is pretty exciting news to me. You'll make a great lawyer; I love and admire that you are taking steps to empower yourself with such a pursuit. I myself have never felt a pull toward that. I would not be up for that challenge...so kudos to you. The things that appealed to us in our youth can be very telling of the direction in which we might find ourselves moving later in our journey.

[kass]

I think you're right about youth Amy. My parents were both police officers so that side of things has always interested me, although I was always 100% sure I didn't want to join the force either (if for no other reason that my name would precede me and be both an advantage and disadvantage!). I have to wait some time to know if I get in but I am hopeful.
Thanks for the encouragement!